RebelRevRN

Off the Beaten Path

2011-10-05T20:12:00.000-07:00

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
-Steve Jobs

I was thinking about Steve Jobs this morning as I was logging onto my computer at work and wishing it was a Mac. I never met the man but I have been teary eyed since I heard about his death this afternoon. When I got home and turned on my MacBook, there was his face on my home page which is still the default apple page.

When I reflect on the quote above I am reminded of how long I was trapped by dogma, as a pastor I tried living with the results of other people's thinking. I convinced others to live the same way...trapped in a box that had steel walls. What I heard in my heart was freedom, love, peace, kindness, tolerance, and acceptance, what I saw was the opposite and I let those voices drown out the truth that was in my heart, what I intuitively knew was the path I was supposed to be on.

I found that path in New Monasticism. It is off the beaten path, so to speak, but it is the path I am traveling. It is leading me allowing me to become who I truly want to be and Steve was right, everything else is secondary.

Rest in Peace Steve, you will not be forgotten.

Strike!

2011-09-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

What does God want us to do?

It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously. Micah 6:8 The Message

When I think about the strike tomorrow and start resenting that I have to drive an hour to work just to work an hour and then go walk a picket line, I think of the verse from Micah and I know that if I am to live my faith I have to go out, and I can’t succumb to the urge to condemn those who don’t.

I’m what some call a “Red Diaper Baby”, my mom was a socialist and a militant union supporter, even though she wasn’t able to bring the union to her job. I learned about unions and the civil rights movement before I was in school. I told my 20 year old daughter that story for the millionth time when I told her that I told my manager that if I didn’t go out my mother would haunt me...her response.. “I know remember you wouldn’t let me shop at the huge Forever 21 in Seattle because they were picketing for “unfair labor practices”

The RNs who work for Kaiser, Northern California are going on strike in sympathy for those represented by NUHW. The Social Workers and Optical workers are facing cuts to their health care benefits and cuts to their pensions while senior executives, who have nothing to do with patient care make over a million a year and each have 8 yes EIGHT pension plans...and they want to cut the benefits of 4,000... Really? (There is a back story to this, a feud between SEIU and NUHW and a judgement against kaiser by the board of labor relations. I don’t know enough about it to address it here, there is a “labor management partnership” that is well Sleeping with the Enemy...)

I’m a Kaiser Nurse so I’m very familiar with our issues but the Sutter nurses and the nurses at Children’s Hospital Oakland are striking as well. They are addressing patient care issues. The Sutter nurses are being asked to give up sick days...WTF... with the economy the way it is many nurses are the only wage earners in their families so I guess they are expected to go to work sick and take care of patients who have suppressed immune systems. Who is responsible when someone dies because a nurse comes to work sick? I couldn’t live with myself ... the Sutter RNs are being locked out for 5 days if they strike... They are heros! I’m just losing one shift I have nothing to complain about or be resentful about

So I commented on a post by a woman who is flying in to cross the picket line. She wrote something like “LMAO I’m making big bucks while you are making nothing” I told her she is making way less as a scab then we make every day and that the company that hired her is making all the money. If she had a union she would make the money, have the benefits and have the support of her sisters and brothers..

I am grateful for my union brothers and sisters, for NUHW, for CNA for the Operating Engineers who are honoring the picket line and for the SEIU members who are brave enough to honor the strike.

For me it is a moral issue...I’ll be in Vallejo tomorrow morning. I’ll have my red shirt on (with great accessories of course)

Oh and we are collecting food for the local food banks...

“for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’

So between my socialist mother and my christian faith is there really a choice here and can I really whine about it?

Love to you all

Call

2011-07-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

I love the song White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane and always wanted to use the line "A hooka smoking caterpillar had given me the call" in a story talking about my "call" so here it is.

Alice in Wonderland was my favorite book these lines always haunted me:
Caterpillar: “Who are you???”
Alice: “I hardly know sir, just at present, I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”

The question posed by the Caterpillar intrigues me, even as a child I would ask myself that question. As I grew older I would play with the question accenting different words; WHO are you?, who ARE you?, or who are YOU?. The question wafts around me like the smoke coming from his pipe. My answer is always the same. It is the same answer that Alice gave. Well maybe a little different; “I knew who I was last year (week month) but I think I must have changed several times since then”

As a young girl I saw myself dressed in white robes and lying prostrate on a floor. It was like a brief snapshot in my head. If you read week one you know that I didn’t have much use for God. I thought he kind of sucked…. But I was drawn to movies and books about the saints. I thought I was bonkers because in that day women were NOT priests. In these visions/pictures I did not have a head covering so I knew I wasn’t a nun.

When I was 19 I went to nursing school. It wasn’t because I wanted to be a nurse it was all about job security. Growing up poor left an indelible mark on me and even 37 years ago I knew that nursing was a good choice. I remember my first patient as a nurses aid, a middle aged man with lung cancer. He used to push his IV pole in the hall and I would ride on it. But he became weaker and one day the “head nurse” told someone to find me. She grabbed my hand and quickly led me down the hall to be with him when he died. She was a crusty “old” army nurse about 35; I was 19 alone in San Francisco. Together we sat with the man as he died. It was at that moment I realized that I had compassion…I had always been told that I was selfish. That lie was shattered in an instant.

Flash forward 20 years and I am enrolled in an evangelical/charismatic, inner city, and multi ethnic bible college. I “got saved” 10 years earlier and wanted to follow the call I saw in my head when I was a child. I went to a non denominational church, where “women are not allowed to teach men” But I taught a bible study for men and women, the pastor liked me and when people complained he told them I was “facilitating” the group. We later became great friends and spent many hours discussing theology…

I worked part time as an associate pastor in an Assembly of God church, while in the MTh. program. It was fun really…I got to teach about Grace. Many, even though they had been Christians all of their lives, had never heard a message on Grace. I was there for 5 years, but I never really believed the theology and could not buy into the political agenda of the religious right. I knew it was time to go but didn’t want to leave the people behind. One day a women who I had gone to school with walked in and I heard clear as a bell “look up for your redemption draweth nigh”. I left… it was time.

In the meantime I hooked up with a “neo-monastic” group who’s leaders I was familiar with from the charismatic renewal movement of the mid 1990’s. We discovered or rediscovered the sacraments. Our Abbot and Abbess were ordained as priests in an Indy Anglican movement, they were later consecrated as bishops by and Indy Catholic Bishop , and Indy Anglican, and an Indy orthodox woman Bishop…After 3 years of classes and training I was ordained as a Priest, on the feast day of St. George, the Dragon slayer.

As a new monastic, or as our Bishop calls us “secular monastic”, group we have been on a journey together. Nothing is static, I started a home church but after a year that dwindled so I started attending an Episcopal Church. I was later kicked out five years later, the priest in charge said it was because I didn’t respect her authority. I served on the vestry was a Eucharistic minister, lay preacher etc… she was nuts and everyone who disagreed with her it was ”off with their heads”

Now I attend a church in another diocese. I love it and feel loved and accepted. I don’t have any titles, I am a Eucharistic minister but don’t serve on any boards or committees. I talk about healing, theology, Barbie Dolls, and religious crime novels with the Rector. I’m healing from the last experience. It is good…

So I’m still a Registered Nurse, I work in telephone triage and love it. People at work sometimes want to talk to me about spiritual things so I listen and when necessary tell my story or some of it…. Yes I am ordained and can do all of the “stuff” but I am not called to be a Rector or associate pastor. I am called to be me at least for today.

I have a frame around my license plate that says “Following the Wild Goose wherever She may lead” The ancient Celts called the Holy Spirit the Wild Goose… That is my call… It is ever changing… I don’t know if you’ve noticed but geese are loud…very difficult to ignore.

Who Am I? I am compassionate and worthy of God’s love. I am the mother of an amazing daughter who is in her second year of college; she is a good and strong young woman. She has qualities and strengths that I thought I didn’t have… I guess I was wrong because she got them from someone…

I wrote this for a class last year. Some things have changed others haven't. I'm happy being....

2011-05-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about all the judgment day hype. I’ve seen the billboards, heard it mentioned on progressive talk radio, seen blog postings about it and even added to a post rapture song list.

I want to live every day as if it is my last, I want to walk in the light of God. This coming Sunday the Epistle reading is from 1 Peter 2, and while some could see this from the perspective of judgment, I don’t. I see in this reading grace. As followers of Christ we are called love, to show mercy and to walk in that marvelous light.

May 21st

2011-05-16T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ground control to major Tom

Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

(Ten) Ground control (Nine) to major Tom (Eight)

(Seven, six) Commencing countdown (Five), engines on (Four)

(Three, two) Check ignition (One) and may gods (Blastoff) love be with you

Last week I was driving in the Sacramento area and saw signs warning people that May 21st is judgment day “the bible guarantees it” I took some pictures to post on Facebook but they didn’t come out. I’m glad they didn’t.
Where to start, what to say... I come to this from a unique perspective of one who was and still is close to many people who believe in “The Rapture” I never did ascribe to rapture theology yet I read with horrified fascination several of the Left Behind books. About180 years ago a young girl had a vision of Jesus returning twice, a preacher grabbed that idea and ran with it. The word rapture doesn't appear in the bible. I could write a thesis on the topic but I won’t.

It is so easy to mock the people who believe that the rapture will occur on May 21st at 6pm. It isn’t right but it is easy. In 1988 there was a booklet printed called 88 reasons the world will end in 88. I remember reading in the SF Chronicle an article about a church not far from where I live that taught Jesus was returning that year in September and people really believed it. Many quit their jobs, maxed out their credit cards and (skip to the next paragraph my animal loving friends).... euthanized their pets. No animals in heaven.

I can’t help but think about the children who weren’t quite sure if they were saved. Can you imagine what they must have been feeling? Were they really saved? Were they going to be raptured, were their parents going to be raptured? Anyone who has every gone to a pentecostal or baptist church remembers altar calls. Every week the same people would come forward to be “saved”. Back in the mid 1990’s popular evangelist said “people go to hell with ordination papers on their walls” If that isn’t enough to make a scared kid question their salvation then I don’t know what is. So what about the kids. Jesus is coming to get us, they are told by the parents who are supposed to be caring for them. Jesus didn’t come and now there is no house, no money to pay the bills, and the beloved family yellow lab is dead. What the F@#k? What about today? What about those children? What about the adults who have quit their jobs and given all of their savings to these charlatans...These preachers speak for God, we can’t question them or can we? Each one of us can read the bible and think for ourselves.

I can’t find anywhere in the bible, Jesus saying that it is all about us versus them. I can’t find where he advocates violence. Yeah we can cherry pick and quote Matthew 10:34 out of context. Using one or two verses in the midst of forgiveness, love, and acceptance doesn’t make sense.

So I need to find Christ in the people who teach this stuff. I don’t need to make them agree with me. I know that Christ loves me and loves everyone (no exceptions). I know that judgement day isn’t May 21.

When we pray the prayer that Jesus taught we pray for God’s realm to come on earth as in heaven we aren’t praying to escape the world or that Jesus will come back in combat gear and kill everyone we disagree with and destroy the world, we are praying that God’s reign will come to the earth. So what do we do? We love, we serve and we forgive. We pray for people even if we don’t agree with them.

This is major Tom to ground control, I'm stepping through the door

And I'm floating in a most peculiar way

And the stars look very different today

Here am I floatin' 'round my tin can far above the world

Planet Earth is blue and there's nothing I can do

Joke Sunday

2011-05-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength. Proverbs 17:22 NLT

I love laughter. I love how I feel when I laugh or when others laugh. I love how laughter transforms peoples faces contorts their bodies and relaxes them. Even the most uptight person is relaxed when they laugh. Laughter is contagious. Look at all of those laughing babies on You Tube, who can watch one of those videos without laughing? This Blog was originally called “Laughter and Light”.

Today, the first Sunday in May, a group called Laughter Yoga International promotes World Laughter Day; World Peace through Laughter today. This year the Sunday after Easter happened to fall on the first Sunday in May. In the early years of the Christian Church some celebrated this day as Holy Humor Sunday or Bright Sunday. Today at Saint Francis of Assisi we had Holy Humor (or joke) Sunday. Joke Sunday is beautiful mixture of the sacred and the absurd, and sooo me.

I laugh in church anyway and I’m sure some would think me irreverent, but oh well. I mean sometimes things are just funny and a chuckle is appropriate.

What was my point? Oh yeah..laughter is healing, it reduces stress, it increases blood flow. One study shows that it burns calories another that laughter boosts the immune system. It helps breathing and expands the lungs. The bottom line is laughter makes me feel better. “mindful laughing”? Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry and that makes me feel better. So Laugh, Smile, Dance......

Did you hear the one about the Priest, the Rabbi and the Minister?

Good Friday

2011-04-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

So today is Good Friday and as you may know, it is probably my least favorite day of the church year along with Palm Sunday when the Passion is read. I was starting a rant about Palm/Passion Sunday but I contained myself.... I like the Good Friday Vigil at the church I go to. People take turns sharing short meditations on the last 7 words allegedly spoken by Jesus. I volunteered this year and oddly enough chose “I thirst” to talk about. There was so much I wanted to say but with only 3 minutes I had to leave most of it out. Not to mention that I put off writing it until Thursday night at 7 and had to hurry because I had to watch “Vampire Diaries” with my daughter at 8....

I Thirst

Most of you know that I am an RN so when I saw “I Thirst” I thought, “well of course he was thirsty, he was dehydrated” Those of you who know me probably know what I would have sounded like if I said it out loud. I mean Duh! Jesus had been hanging on the cross for about 3 hours after being interrogated, beaten, and carrying a heavy chunk of wood up a hill. I start going through the signs and symptoms of dehydration and the effect that dehydration has on the body. I don’t stop there though....I started to wonder if I could have put an IV in him. I mean I was good at it. I used to brag that could get an IV in a stone. I once inserted a small IV in the thumb of an elderly person with “no veins left”. So the idea of talking about “I thirst” seemed pointless at first. I wasn’t going to chose it but I was drawn to it. You could say it spoke to me.

I’ve been an RN for 34 years but I started working in a hospital when I was only 19..... Still a child really. Nursing seemed like a sensible carrer choice but was never my first choice. For the first 22 years of my career I worked in Intensive Care/Coronary care and Pediatric ICU.

Many years ago, before Hospice really started in this country, we kept people alive on Ventilators for much longer than we should have. We put people on life support who were not going to survive, prolonging their suffering and separating them from their families. We pumped them full of drugs, put tubes in arteries to measure the pressures, took away their ability to talk by putting a tube in their nose or mouth and almost every other orifice. We took away their humanity and their dignity

Visiting hours were limited so they were often alone only nurses and other staff who may have been working 16 hours and exhausted, or burnt out or preoccupied, and humming beeping machines to keep them company.

Tubes were everywhere but what I remember most was

Dry parched lips

It was the dry lips that bothered me the most. So after checking the machines making sure everything was working, checking vital signs, and medications were infusing I would try to relieve the dry mouth. If the person was conscience I would offer them ice chips...most weren’t....most were on ventilators and were NPO (nothing by mouth). So I would clean their mouths. Back in those days we had Lemon Glycerin Swabs which were like giant Q tips with a lemon flavor. People who were thirsty and couldn’t drink for a few hours would refuse them. Those with dry cracked lips bit on them, sucked on them, holding tight to the swab as if it would revive them perhaps it was a reminder of life or a reminder of hope..... Or maybe a reflex

Yes, Jesus was dehydrated I am certain of that and I know that his thirst was much more than dehydration.

He had endured horrific pain. The life was draining out of him he was indeed parched in body and spirit..... Water is life...... he had told the Samaritan woman that the water he gives will become in them a spring of water gushing up into eternal life. I wonder what he was thinking....I wonder if he felt like a phony a con artist. I wonder if he believed anything that he had said.

He was tortured, he was mocked, he was dying. Worse, though, than the pain and the mocking and the fact that he was certainly going to die soon, many of his friends had abandoned him. Who can blame them though? They were afraid, things were NOT going as they had planned and nothing would ever be the same. They had deserted him and it seemed as though God had deserted him. God’s voice, that voice he was so accustomed to hearing was gone as well.

Have you ever felt abandoned? Alone? Afraid? Have you ever felt that you would never hear God again?

I have. People have hurt me, done horrible things to me and I wonder. Where the hell is God I mean really where!

All week a part of psalm 63 has been rattling around in my brain. Days before I even thought about which “last word” I wanted to talk about, these words were in my thoughts and on my tongue:

O God, you are my God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

O God, you are my God, I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

What imagery! Can you see the cracks in the land the dry adobe here in Sonoma County that cracks and pulls apart in the summer. Weary, burnt out, exhausted, over used land. Today is Earth Day as well as Good Friday...and you know what to do.
Back to Jesus...I wonder......... In the midst of his agony........did that psalm run through his mind He said I thirst. Was he calling out to God only managing to squeak out “I Thirst”
Water is essential for life so a thirst for water is a thirst for life......
A thirst for life is a thirst for God who promises streams in the desert who promises to heal, to sustain us and to wipe away every tear.....

Sometimes in life those promises seem impossible. From the cross, I suspect that those promises appeared to be very far away.... Yet Jesus said I Thirst. It is my prayer that we can all say that in our own way when the distance between ourselves and our friends or ourselves and God seems so far apart we too can say I thirst.

I thirst

Voting and Health Care Reform

2010-11-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

Matthew 25:35-40
35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? 39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ 40 And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.’

I am a socialist...if it were up to me we would have single payer healthcare. I work for an HMO and my job depends on it’s survival. As an RN my priority is the welfare of my patients. To some this might seem conflicted at best, but I’m at peace with it. In the words of Mick Jagger, “You can’t always get what you want but if you try you might get what you need”

Some of you are going to the polls tomorrow hoping that your vote will make health care reform go away because it is “socialized medicine” Please trust me when I say that it is not. Some of you think that it will cost us too much money but war and killing people in foreign countries cost us more. The tax cuts for the top 1% of americans add more to the deficit than health care reform. Folks I hate to break it to you but none of you are in the top 1% and never will be.

On March 23rd, the president signed the health care reform bill and with many other progressives I was complaining that it wasn’t enough, but on September 23 several things happened as a result of that health care bill.
First my now 19 year old daughter will be covered under my policy until she is 26. If she wasn’t she would be uninsurable because as an infant she had so many ear infections her ears are scarred and her eardrums perforate every time she gets on an airplane. Second your child who might have asthma or have been born with a minor cardiac defect can no longer be dropped from your insurance plan. Third, if you have a catastrophic medical problem your insurance company can’t say, “Oops you’ve exceeded your limit.”

In addition there won’t be co-pays for preventive services. Things like mammograms, cervical cancer screening, bone density studies, colorectal cancer screening, immunizations and some blood work will not incur a copay. You will be saving money.

Some of the insurance companies want you to think that this is going to drive costs up. I don’t think it will. I was privileged to listen to the president of the HMO I work for speak recently. We aren’t worried because we are forerunners in preventive health care; our patients will continue to come first, and we will remain a “not for profit” HMO.

I am writing this tonight because I know some of you have been given incorrect information about health reform. Certain candidates are telling you that they will fight to repeal health care reform. What they are telling you is not in your best interest. These people are masters at manipulating and inciting fear in people. Some of you I know who are against health care reform have your kids on Medi-Cal. I don’t condemn you for using government funded health care but think about that when you vote. Think about the kids who will be denied health care while yours are covered.

I started this post with words from the gospel of Matthew; “Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.” Meditate on these words as you fill out your ballots and follow your heart. Vote for who you feel is the best person for the job.

Peace

Mortgage

2010-09-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

It's finally over. My mortgage was modified after 18 months of jumping through hoops for the bank. I think that they expect you to cave and give up...I refused to do that...We were taken advantage of by a friend who worked for a large mortgage company. We didn't have a sub prime mortgage but we were told that our payments would only go down...If something sounds to go to be true it probably is... I am so grateful that this is over. We now have a 2% interest rate that will adjust in 5 years but never will go over 4.2% which is reasonable.
I think what bothers me the most is that friends can't be trusted.

Sigh

2010-09-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people want to give advice when all I want is someone who will listen?

Moving on

2010-09-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

It is time to get some help in overcoming the trauma of being kicked out of an episcopal church. I've been too pissed off for too long.

Grace

2010-09-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

My last post was well...angry at best. Yet I have hope in spite of the system, in spite of people who lie, who don't hold up there part of the deal, and who let us down. I have hope because God loves me and because people don't always represent God even if they say that they do. I know that houses don't matter, and where I live doesn't matter really (although I would much rather live in Marin). What does matter is that God loves me and has called me as her own, and that there are some cool shoes in the San Francisco Macy's....

Home Loan Modification

2010-08-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

Okay everyone I am mad. I just wrote this on a site called Loan Modification Hell and thought I would share it with everyone, with an addition or two..

Loan modification hell...I think it is worse than hell. A year ago in April I applied for the Making Homes Affordable Program. My ARM (which was sold to us by and unscrupulous broker with country wide) was going to adjust in August of 2009. I thought with interest rates going down that it would be fine but was told that it would only adjust up, and up it was going from 3400 a month to over $8,000. There was no way I could pay that even if my husband's business wasn't floundering which it was. I applied sent all, of the paper work, and kept paying the $3400 a month. I called about every two weeks and they said everything was going well. In August of last year my payment went up to over $8,000 a month I called to make a payment telling them that I could only pay the $3400, but that I had paper work in for the modification. I was told "We don't take partial payments" and "Your modification was denied you didn't send in the paper work". So they refused a partial payment I didn't have a spare $4600 on me so no payment. I reapplied for the program and was told that I would have trial payments but not to make a payment until I heard back from them. I called weekly and was told "we are behind" In November I reached someone who said that I was supposed to be making a payment of 2,300+ for three months and that I should start right away, I sent all additional paperwork requested and continued to make the "trial" payment. I called every week and was told every thing was fine just keep making those payments "we are really behind but everything is fine"

On March 23, 2010 after making 5 "trial" payments, I received a Fed X package... I thought this was it my modification but No. It was a packet telling me that I should start my trial payment right away that I was eligible for the Making home affordable program and I needed to send in the documents yet again. So I did and started my new trial payment in April.

I received another FedX packet in May with a new IRS form to fill out. They wanted my husbands name on it first because his name is on the loan first. I explained that the instructions for filling out the form clearly state that the person whose name comes first on the tax return is the name that has to appear first. I downloaded and printed the form properly and sent it back to them. I received another form a month later saying it needed to have his name first. I again explained that if they did that the IRS would send it back. I finally got a person who said "Oh, that was just sent back because you forgot to put your phone number on it"

Two weeks ago I received a call from underwriting asking for my bank statements which hadn't been requested prior to this and for a couple of things they already had. She said she would send a Fed X envelope to me. After a week nothing came, I called the number she gave me and was told by a man that I hadn't called the number I had called. I told him "I can see what number I called and it is the one she gave me." he said "no you didn't call that number" "she must be in another state and it must be later there". Ummm it was 1:00 p.m. . If she was in this country it wasn't closed. He says I was supposed to fax it to the number she gave me. I say "NO she didn't give me a fax number and said I could send it fed x." The next day I call again and the person is able to contact the person who had allegedly sent me the fed x package. It was too late for that but I could fax it from the local B of A for free. Gosh that saves me hundreds of dollars. She even gave me the direct fax number not the 800 number. I tell her how frustrated I am and I don't know what I am supposed to do and she says "neither do we, it changes every day, none of us know what is going on" An honest answer in this hell...

Today I went to B of A to fax the requested docs. The bank manager assisted me and called to make sure the fax number was correct. I received a call in less than an hour telling me that I had left off a page of a bank statement. So I faxed it too them. She said it would go to underwriting tomorrow. We will see..I don't trust anyone. I am at the point where I don't care if I keep this house. I have given the bank $350,000 including my 10% down payment. The house is now worth about $60,000 less than I owe on it. I put a new roof central air and a new kitchen in this house just a year before the mortgage went up. I understand the frustration of the guy who bulldozed his house. I can't pay $8,000.00 a month, and I really don't want the mortgage company to benefit from the upgrades I made while my payment was still affordable.

Renting is beginning to sound very very nice.

I've been a homeowner for 22 years I was NEVER late with a payment until B of A refused a partial payment. I had good credit until then.

Wouldn't you like to see CEO's of B of A, Chase, Wells Fargo and Aurora doing a perp walk? I'm not a vindictive person but I would love to see justice... This has pushed me way beyond my limits...

It's way past the time for a revolution...it's time for us to RISE UP....But they have us so busy re-sending documents that have already been sent, calling them and being put on hold for over and hour after being told "I will be back in a sec", and making new rules that we don't have time to rise up. I don't know what to do. I think we are all to stunned to do anything. Yes the legal system, but it is so slow. Perhaps it is time for some non violent civil disobedience... Any ideas on how to start?

Learning

2010-08-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know about anyone else but there are times when I think that I have read and heard so much about a topic that there is nothing left for me to learn. I don't know why I think that because I'm always wrong, it is good though that I know I am wrong because I keep reading and listening to what others have to share.

Today I went to a retreat on contemplative prayer... I am not a person who likes to sit still so I don't really like the practice of contemplative prayer. I try to practice daily... begrudgingly sometimes... I know that when I do I am different. I see things differently. Today I learned so much, I learned things that will make it easier for me to practice.

Requiem for a Church

2010-05-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged about this for a while but it is on my mind. Sometimes writing helps me to process so if you aren't up to hearing (reading) it again then it would be best to ignore this post.

In March, I was invited to attend a meeting about the future of the church that I was asked to leave. The invitation came from a member of the diocesan staff who had heard my story. Because there are several churches that are a drain on the diocese, a committee was formed to assess and assist churches that were having severe financial problems. I don't mean financial assistance! I have heard that the church is no longer able to pay its bills, and the Priest in Charge (AKA Her Holiness) is now 1/4 time. I never thought that kicking out pledging members was a good idea but it seemed to be Her Holiness' answer for everything. When people are treated poorly, sometimes their friends who also pledge leave as well. The meeting is this coming Sunday and I am not going. I don't think that I am supposed to be there... I will admit that I thought about going anyway. This Sunday I am scheduled for a job at the church I attend, I asked around to see if someone else could do it but NO ONE was available. Perhaps God is protecting me.

At the request of Her Holiness, the diocese provided a list of questions for the congregation. I wonder if the people will have questions for the diocese... I know that I would. First and foremost would be "Why did you let this happen?" People tried to talk to you about the situation, people wrote you letters that went unanswered and called asking to speak to you but the calls went unreturned..Why?

There are times when I wish that I had followed a more traditional path to ordination. There are times when I want to be a parish priest.... then I remember that I have a tendency to tell people in authority the truth and I realize I wouldn't last in that system, or worse, I would go nuts trying. I am right where I belong... Thanks be to God.

I am grateful that I am ordained by a community that "gets me" and I am grateful that I attend a church that accepts me just as I am...

I do hope they will sell the stained glass windows I want to buy one of them...

Easter Caviar and Chocolate

2010-04-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

Warning to my Vegan Friends stop reading now…

More on my journey tomorrow, tonight I must digress

I tasted Caviar for the first time and OH MY it is so good. A cracker, some caviar, a dollop of crème fraiche, and a squeeze of lemon… Heaven.

We had this awesome party at church after the Easter Vigil… Champagne, Chocolate and Caviar…

Good Friday

2010-04-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

So another Good Friday and time again for my Good Friday Rant, but this year I don’t want to rant I want to talk about Barbie dolls……

A few days ago someone I follow on Facebook posted some pictures of Malibu Barbie dressed as a priest and it reminded me of how much fun I used to have playing “Barbies” with my BFF Becca. I think we played with them long after many girls had stopped. But of course the Barbies were having orgies by that time. We didn’t have a Barbie Dream House, any furniture, or even a “Ken” doll, so we were very creative. I made a little toilet for them out of an Avon “Wishing” bottle; we put little brown rocks in it for realism. The Barbies were married to the Beatles. We had bobble head Beatles dolls and they all slept in the same bed. Barbie even was pregnant a few times. The Skipper doll was married to George Harrison, we put eyeliner on her with a ballpoint pen so she would look like Patty Boyd.

What on earth does this have to do with Good Friday? Well I was thinking about my prized Barbie dolls what they looked like, what it was like to play with them, and what they felt like and I remembered that they were hard plastic. They were inflexible cold and stiff with a fake smile pasted on their faces. I don’t think Barbie ever made a mistake, ever colored outside the lines, or ever broke a “rule”.
For many years I was inflexible because if the bible said it I believed it. But then I started to think for myself and realized that Anslem’s theory of the Atonement didn’t make sense for many reasons. (For more on that just read my Rant on the Atonement).

Later I went to a more “liberal” church, but I avoided Lent at all costs, I hated Good Friday more than any other day in the year. A very insecure, narcissistic priest, who was, like Barbie, very rigid, led this liberal church. We did not deviate one iota from the BCP Good Friday liturgy and somehow for 2 years I was the person assigned to carry the cross down the center aisle. Even though I had said I wouldn’t do it, I was on the schedule and found it impossible to not show up.

So today I went to the Good Friday Vigil, which consisted of meditations on the last 7 phrases spoken by Jesus. These meditations were from different people from all walks of life and I was moved to tears. None of the people were plastic or rigid, none seemed at all afraid of being themselves.

When people are hurting, or suffering it is so hard to hear Gods voice. I don’t think that God abandoned Jesus on the cross; I think that in his humanity Jesus could not hear God’s voice. Jesus was not a Barbie Doll or even a Ken doll. For so many years all I saw was the abandonment that Jesus must have felt, reliving my own feelings of abandonment… This year I was able to leave them at the cross….

Love

2010-03-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

So much has been written about love and I am certainly not an expert, but today's lectionary readings remind me that God's love for us is extravagant. Regardless of where we are in the wilderness or why we are there (a wilderness of our own making, or a wilderness that we have no control over) God is there and it is okay for us to be there as well. God provides water, rivers, and my most favorite thing on earth...Wild Flowers. So just be where you are enjoy God's love.
When you are ready share God's love...it's easy.

the desert

2010-02-28T17:18:00.000-08:00

The word that pops into my head when I hear the word desert is "wildflowers". I know that many see the desert as desolation, dry, lonely, or hot. Many can feel the sand in their teeth and the stings of the red ants on their legs. But I see wildflowers... In the midst of pain, frustration loneliness, god promises us springs in the desert... springs of fizzy water (Arrowhead, Perrier, Pellegrino, Poland Springs, pick your favorite) to keep us hydrated, to keep our immune systems functioning so that we don't dry up and die.

So google California desert wildflowers and look at some of the pictures. Know that god does not leave us in a dry place........ Know that a time of trial is not forever... the flowers always come back.

A Holy Lent

2010-02-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

Many of you know that Lent has, for the past two years, been my least favorite season in the church year. I said to someone last year that I was going to give up church for lent... I wasn't joking.

This year I begrudgingly drove 20 miles to the Ash Wednesday service. Past experiences with Ash Wednesday services were kind of like observing a train wreck, so this was not something I really wanted to do. But something drew me there... on the way down I thought about how people are drawn to look a horrible accidents and wondered for a moment if that is why I was going.

The church was dark. Someone was lighting candles and asked me if I would get a couple more so I did and watched as the space was transformed by the sparkling tea lights placed throughout. It felt different, peace was tangible not just some abstract idea people talked about.

We sang a Taize Chant "Laudate Omnes Gentes" it was beautiful. The Isaiah reading is one of my favorites "Is this not the fast I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and to bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them and not to hide yourself from your own kin?" We sang Da Pacem Cordium (bring peace to every heart) how appropriate is that?

Now there was a brief moment while the priest was reading the part about "notorious sinners who had been kicked out of church being reconciled" that I thought of the priest who kicked me out of her church when I had already left. I wanted her to feel like shit reading those words to her congregation. At the same moment I knew she didn't get it and it really didn't matter any more.... I am moving on and am okay.

When we got to the Litany of Penitence I realized that after 5 years of hearing it spoken, and seeing the words on the page, I had never really heard them. I only heard "you worthless piece of crap" but that isn't even close to what it says. There is hope and joy in God's love:

We confess to you, Lord, all our past unfaithfulness: the
pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of our lives,
We confess to you, Lord.
Our self-indulgent appetites and ways, and our exploitation
of other people,
We confess to you, Lord.
Our anger at our own frustration, and our envy of those
more fortunate than ourselves,
We confess to you, Lord.
Our intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and
our dishonesty in daily life and work,
We confess to you, Lord.
Our negligence in prayer and worship, and our failure to
commend the faith that is in us,
We confess to you, Lord.
Accept our repentance, Lord, for the wrongs we have done:
for our blindness to human need and suffering, and our
indifference to injustice and cruelty,
Accept our repentance, Lord.
For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward our
neighbors, and for our prejudice and contempt toward those
who differ from us,
Accept our repentance, Lord.
For our waste and pollution of your creation, and our lack of
concern for those who come after us,
Accept our repentance, Lord.
Restore us, good Lord, and let your anger depart from us;
Favorably hear us, for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in us the work of your salvation,
That we may show forth your glory in the world.

So I guess for the next 40 days I can get over not being able to say "Alleluia, Alleluia" after "thanks be to God"

And the really cool part was singing "Dust in the Wind" after the Eucharist.

I was drawn by the Holy Spirit... She was leading me to a new awareness of Gods love and mercy...

Healing

2010-02-16T20:55:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since my last post.
Much healing has taken place... not always easy..the healing process..

Labor Notes DC Labor Chorus

2009-07-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to embed the songs in the post so you will have to go to the link and click on the songs.
For all you Anglicans the first song, Hospital Stomp, is Siyahamba. The song our beloved bishops sang while marching for the MDG in Lambeth.

Imagine a World Without Nurses

2009-07-13T19:16:00.000-07:00

Real People Denied Real Healthcare

2009-07-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

One Love

2009-07-13T12:44:00.001-07:00

Fini

2009-07-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

What do I do about church? Where do I go? I get together, about 9 times a year, with an Independent Catholic Community. I could start a home group that would meet once a month, I'm not ready to start today, or next week, or even next month.
I am very lucky, I live 20 miles away from another episcopal diocese. I would have to commute to church though. I already commute 10 hours a week. I could go to the catholic church, I sort of grew up in the catholic church, I could "pass" but my heart isn't there.

I forgot to include in the last post that the "canon to the ordinary" told the priest that I wrote "pissy emails" and according to the priest, "said something much worse than that but I won't tell you because it would hurt your feelings" I suspect that little of what I was told that the bishop or the cannon said is true, I suspect a comment might have been made. I have a hard time believing that adults in positions of authority are as immature as I have been led to believe these people are, but who really knows.

Thus ends my story...Thanks be to God.

Do Justice, Love Mercy, and Walk Humbly with your God

2009-07-11T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, after the priest told me not to come to that service, I left. I told her I wasn't planning to stay anyway and this was a good time to cut my losses and walk away. After I told her that she wrote me a letter saying that she had pulled my eucharistic minister license and I could no longer be a lector or read prayers at the church. Okay I wasn't planning to do any of that because I left the church. She went on to say that she would restore them when I wanted to reconcile. WTF?

I happened to know she was at the church and went over and tried to talk to her. A huge mistake in retrospect. I don't think she heard a word I said. Her last words were; "now that we have reconciled you can be a lector again." Adventures in missing the point.

Once home after gathering my thoughts, I wrote a letter trying to explain how deeply hurt I was by her behavior over the past six months. My trusted friend proofread it, for grammar, clarity, and inflammatory statements. The priest wrote me back and told me not to attend that church for at least 6 months. Not a problem except a good friend of mine is leading evening prayer next week when the priest is out of town and I plan to be there to support her.

The church has fewer than 30 who attend on Sunday Morning. All the priest can talk about is growth and hospitality. She seems to forget that those who attend regularly are as equally deserving of hospitality as those who are passing through. It seems pointless to try and bring new people in when those who have been there, those who serve, and perhaps ask questions seem to disappear. Eight in the past 2 years. The reasons we were given didn't make sense so I started to question, which is probably one of the reasons I am no longer there.

I wrote to one of the people I used to serve with and told him to feel free contact me if he had any questions. His response was "I don't get involved in personal things that don't involve me. I hope that in six months YOU can reconcile and come back". People who were my friends, who encouraged me to make waves now don't want anything to do with me.

What happened to doing justice, loving mercy and walking humbly with god?

For What it's Worth

2009-07-10T16:40:00.000-07:00

Paranoia

2009-07-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

Paranoia strikes deep

Into your heart it will seep

Starts when your always afraid

Step out of line the man comes and takes you away

So where did I leave off? I'm having a friend check all of the emails I send this priest. Is it because I am getting paranoid? I know that I was tired of having my head messed with, it was a pretty sad state of affairs.

I had the sound system installed and I was planning on taking the next Sunday off because it was my birthday. I showed her how to use it during the week. I was very clear that I wasn't going to church that Sunday. Bright and early that Sunday my phone rang. "The sound system didn't work" What doesn't work? I ask. "I can't get my Ipod to play" she says. I ask, "Is the cord plugged all the way in?" yes. "Is your Ipod muted?" No.. so I get up after 5 hours of sleep drive over to the church and the cord is not plugged in and her ipod is muted!!! I couldn't even speak to her, I felt so disrespected, so unappreciated, and so fricking angry.

I met with her the following week to tell her that I was resigning from the mission committee. During that meeting she told me that she was told by an assistant to the bishop that the bishop said that I had written him a letter that he was offended by.....last year, She went on and said "oh and by the way we are losing our grant at the end of this year. Did you know that" Yes I was there 18 months ago when the church was given a 2 year non-renewable grant. I just couldn't believe that she would put those two things in the same breath.

I have difficulty believing that a bishop would hold onto anger about an email for a year and not say anything to me.

When I returned from retreat, I knew I was leaving the church. When she called me, I didn't really want to talk to her but did call her back, and told her she could email me or call me when I could answer the phone which was not while I was working. She called again while I was at work, I couldn't answer. At that point I sent her an email telling her that if she wanted to meet with me she had to tell me what it was about and I would consider it. She called me the next day when I couldn't answer the phone and told me that I couldn't come to church because the bishop would be there and it would be awkward. If the bishop is so immature that he can't face someone who wrote him an email questioning something, then maybe he should get another job.

the beginning of the end

2009-07-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

In November of last year we had a heavy rainstorm that caused a lot of damage to the interior of the church. There was a leak because for years the maintenance of the roof was neglected. I was Junior Warden, so when I got the call about a leak I went over and found a waterfall coming down a redwood post. There was water everywhere, it was dripping into the sound system, the floor was drenched, and the drywall ceiling was soggy. It's a long story but I finally got the priest to agree to let me call the insurance company and get authorization for emergency roof repair and remediation that day instead of waiting until Monday. I took care of the immediate damage, met with an adjustor, got estimates from contractors, had the electrical system inspected as water had been dripping into an open socket on the floor. I also organized the repair work. Today the church is beautiful, the cracks in the walls and ceilings are repaired, the mold is gone from the bell tower area, and the interior has been painted for the first time in 19 years.

I guess it was in December that the priest started sniping at me. It started subtly with comments about things I had not done, or things I said that she found offensive. In January she invited me out to lunch, which was odd because in 4 years she had never spent any time with me outside of church things we were both at. At that lunch meeting I was told that I was angry and it was "spilling" I asked her what I did or said to make her think that and she said "you walked out the side door of the church the other day and slammed it." Yes I did go out of that door and yes because of the wind it slammed behind me, but I didn't slam the door and I wasn't angry I was going to get something from another building. It didn't happen during a service, people were setting up for a service and standing around talking. Her other complaint was that while I was installing a motion sensor light I told her husband that I didn't need his help and perhaps he might want to set up for the service that was going to start in 20 minutes. I told him that because he was trying to tell me how to install the light, I find it difficult to do something like that with someone distracting me. In addition to my anger I used the word obvious in an email which I guess is a violation of email etiquette, and I didn't use I statements.

The following month I made the mistake of replying to an email in which the Senior Warden was asking for opinions. In that email I wrote something that should have been an I statement but I was lazy and didn't proofread it before I sent it. Surprise, I was called to another meeting. At that meeting she shrieked at me telling me that I had hurt everyone by what I said. She did this in public, she screamed "you are a priest you should know better" Now I am a priest, in The Lindisfarne Community and not it the episcopal church, and she does not recognize me as a priest , I was taken aback.... I shut down, if I hadn't I would have thrown my very hot coffee in her face and screamed back at her.

I knew I was finished, but I had some tasks to do so I did them. I apologized to the people that I had offended and lo and behold 2 of the 4 contacted me and told me they were glad I said what I did, that someone needed to speak up. I started sending every email I sent to anyone in the church to a trusted friend because I was starting to wonder if I was being offensive. I needed feedback.

This is already too long. I will write more later.

The (insert name here) Church Welcomes Me

2009-07-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

It has been about four and one half years since I first visited the church I am now leaving. I have to admit there were some huge red flags from the beginning. People were leaving, those remaining were anxious. The church felt "needy" , you know the feeling, like you walk in and huge vacuum is turned on and tries to suck you in.

The interim vicar was a newly ordained priest who was sent by the diocese to get things in order, after the departure of the much loved vicar. Her predecessor had been vicar of that church for 18 years but didn't always agree with the diocese, and didn't always keep quiet about it. The interim was only going to be there for 2 years. I told her that I was ordained by an independent charismatic group and was pursuing ordination through The Lindisfarne Community, which is a religious order with apostolic succession. I thought the poor woman was going to have a stroke, I was ready to call 911. I figured that she would be gone in a year so I didn't have anything to worry about.... Or did I?
She is still there as the priest-in-charge even though she told me that the interim could never be the priest in charge or vicar or rector.

I ended up getting involved as lector, then as youth leader, then as Eucharistic Minister and finally I was on the mission committee and fully assimilated into the Borg Collective... Oops I mean church.

I didn't agree with everything and I although I thought the vicar was a bit odd at times, I grew fond of her. I thought that I could make a difference which was, in retrospect, my biggest mistake. I wanted to help, and I lost myself in trying...

I became her scapegoat, the harder I tried the worse things got.

Rejection

2009-07-04T16:03:00.000-07:00

There is something about being asked not to attend a church service that feels like the ultimate rejection. I knew that it was time to leave. I had made my decision a few days earlier while on retreat in upstate New York. I planned to do the 'jobs' I was scheduled to do during the month of June, ask to be taken off the rota for the summer and gradually fade into the sunset.

I wanted to tell the priest that she was being cruel by criticizing everything I did or said. I was a 'lay' volunteer in her church not only was she cruel but she had no right to criticize me, she wasn't my boss. I didn't need it anymore, my identity is not wrapped up in being a 'lay eucharistic minister' or the person who wrote the prayers, it was time to move on, to "shake the dust off my feet" as it was clear I wasn't wanted. But I didn't say anything because it didn't seem loving, it didn't seem like it would bring about justice, and nothing redemptive would come out of it. Fading into the sunset seemed to be the compassionate thing to do. The day after I got home, I received a voiced demanding a meeting. When I insisted she tell me why, and ask that she call me when I could answer the phone. The next day a voice mail asking me not to attend that coming sunday.

It didn't start recently. I should have listened to my gut feeling when I first started attending four and one half years ago, but I didn't. The story, which I want to tell for myself to get some closure, will take several more posts.

Leaving

2009-07-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

I am reading Leaving Church, by Barbara Brown Taylor.

It is helping.

Let The Earth Bear Witness

2009-06-27T10:37:00.001-07:00

No more wire hangers.....

2009-06-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm sad....After 5 years of attending a church I was told I shouldn't come to a service. I was told it was because the bishop would be there and that would be awkward. I guess I said something a year or so ago that offended the bishop. He never said anything to me about it, I don't even know what it was but if I am to believe the Priest in Charge he is the type of person who wouldn't ever want to be in the same room with me. (My words not hers). She was also angry because I "refused" to meet with her. I refused to meet on her terms, which was at a time convenient only to her and without knowing what she wanted. I have left the last 3 "meetings" with her in tears. I asked her to tell me what it was about and she refused. I asked her to call me when I could answer the phone and not when she knew I was at work and she refused. So she left a message on my voice mail saying "I am sorry to leave this on your voice mail but you leave me no choice" Oh my god reminds me of the movie Mommy Dearest.

I look at all of the hard work I did and realize that it was wasted all of it.

God Save me from your people

flu

2009-04-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

I think people today lack common sense, at first I thought they were just stupid but that doesn't seem to be the case. People of all walks of life are in a frenzy about the H1N1 flu. WHO says it is a "Pandemic" but who can define pandemic? It means it is wide spread not that it will kill you. People react so strongly to the media that it is frightening. I listen to the reports on my way to work to prepare myself for what I will be dealing with and I can tell what radio station people were listening to by the questions they ask.

I've been working long days doing my best to reassure people It is wearing me down. i want to yell "what the F@#$ is your problem?" but I can't so I tell them that if they want to come in with their hay fever symptoms and expose themselves to swine flu that is fine with me but it would be best for them and their family since they aren't sick for them to stay home. I am tired I am frustrated.

I am looking forward to the weekend because we have some rain coming in maybe several inches which means that the media will be off "flu" and on "storm watch"

Mad priest has the best cartoon ever http://revjph.blogspot.com/2009/04/its-here.html

out of the mouths of babes and cartoons

2009-04-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

"We should focus on what Jesus taught and not how he was killed"
Stan Marsh from Southpark

ranting

2009-04-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've always thought that Judas was set up. According to the Gospel of John Jesus knew who was going to betray him didn't stop him. One can only assume that Jesus washed even Judas' feet, and if as some commentators say the hands and feet have to do with actions in the washing of Judas' feet was Jesus cleansing his actions? I really don't know I am not a scholar by any stretch of the imagination.
This was prompted by a sermon I heard earlier this week on Jesus betrayal and "satan" entering Judas. One of those sermons designed to make us think of how we may allow satan in our lives and how we may betray Jesus.
Judas betrayed Jesus for silver, I suspect Judas saw Jesus as the messiah as the one who would overthrow the romans, and having seen so many miracles might have thought Jesus would get out of it. Maybe he thought the silver could be used to further the cause.....
Here is my question. Has the "church" betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver? In our quest to fill to pews to pay the bills have we put more importance getting people in the church than making disciples, giving people the tools to follow the teachings of Jesus? What are our priorities? Do we follow Jesus or do we follow our desire to get bigger? Has "satan" entered the "church"? Have we sold our souls for high average sunday attendance? Do we read book after book and run to conference after conference to learn how to follow Jesus and in doing so help others ? Or do we do it to increase "pledge units" ?

hell

2009-03-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

Bishop Carlton Pearson a 'heretic" after my own heart. Go to the link check out some of the interviews. Could it be that the concept of hell was designed in part to keep people in bondage to a religious system? Would it be different today if people followed Christ out of love rather than out of fear? Again IDK, but something to think about

atonement rant revisited

2009-03-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

Two years ago I was asked to be the crucifier on Good Friday at an Episcopal Church, thinking that I would be carrying the cross that leads the procession I agreed. What a shock when I found out I would be carrying a wooden cross during one of the readings. I was a little upset and told the priest that I wasn't going to carry her "f@#*ing cross" I realized that the idea of substitutionary atonement had become repugnant to me, and couldn't possibly be true. Something that had been drummed into me my entire life and I had accepted without question made no sense at all. So I wrote "My Rant on the Atonement".

would appreciate any comments

my rant on the atonement

I've been struggling with the holy week scriptures and liturgies for the past several years. Up until 3 years ago everything I had been taught about Christ's death was vicarious atonement. God made rules (laws) that are impossible to keep. We have broken laws that are impossible to keep and we know we broke them cuz no one could keep them. Because we can't keep them then we shall be put to death because "the penalty for sin is death" God has to have a blood sacrifice because the law says so. Some one has to pay but it has to be someone who was perfect...so god thinks "hmmm.. maybe I'll kill my son to satisfy my legal need for blood." Now that Jesus is dead, God isn't mad at us for not doing what we can't do. So as long as we are grateful to god for his mercy we can live with him forever....if we say the right prayer or are baptized with the right words.
Divine child abuse.....
Some say that it is silly to refer to substitutional atonement as child abuse, I disagree. When my now almost 16 year old daughter was young, there was a "Christian" program for raising children which was very popular in evangelical circles. It taught that the parents must be in charge from the beginning. Parents were told to feed their children only on a schedule, when the child cried and it wasn't time to feed the parent wasn't supposed to pick the child up or feed it. The premise was that because God turned his back on Jesus when he cried out on the cross we should turn away from our children when they cried. As the child began to eat table food they were hit if they played with the food and had their faces flicked if they didn't look strait ahead.

Is that the nature of our all-loving God? The father/mother who we love because she/he first loved us? The God that loves us and calls us children? Jesus said (my paraphrase) "would a father give his child a stone instead of bread?' Would a parent turn their back on on a child's suffering?

Many of the children whose parents subscribed to the Growing Kids God's way program developed failure to thrive. They didn't get enough to eat as infants, the parents didn't know how to respond to their child's cues. Babies with failure to thrive (ftt) don't gain the weight they should they are unable to consume enough calories. A baby's brain grows as much in the first year as it will grow the rest of the child's life, often there are long term developmental problems. How many christians do we know who have growth failure? How many could never connect with God? How many young adults walk away because of divine child abuse?

Is there an alternative? Can we conceive of a non violent transforming model of the atonement? Was Jesus death on the cross the ultimate act of non violent resistance? Walter Wink says that when Jesus said to turn the other cheek he was saying that he refused to be humiliated. In that culture one could only hit someone lower than ones self with the back of the hand to turn the cheek would mean the person would either have to break some of the ritual purity rules and hit him with the back of the left hand or hit him with his palm or fist something that would never be done to someone not their equal. There are many more examples from Wink and others but to many for this short email

Christ came to show us how to live how to break the cycle of violence. We are taught that Christ reveals God to us. Jesus taught us non violent resistance, Jesus came to set the captives free....So it doesn't work for me God would use the violence that Jesus taught against to bring us redemption.

Jesus was faithful even to death on the cross, a death perpetrated by humans (for you trekkies I guess God had a prime directive of non interference with lower life forms) Through his life and death we have a pattern for our lives, through his resurrection we have hope We know that shit happens but God is able to turn it around.

So back to failure to thrive or growth failure. I wonder how many people who have been in church exhibit the signs of growth failure.
Lack of interest in surroundings
irritability
inability to walk in the knowledge of God's love

I wonder if it would be different if we got rid of the language we use, language we may not even believe but use because we always have. I wonder what would happen if we responded to the cues people give us rather than a formula given by the church. I wonder if we got rid of divine child abuse, would people be able to receive the nurture that they need to grow.
I'm rambling I need to come to terms with the fact that I taught substitutional atonement for years when I was an associate pastor in the charismatic church and when I taught in the evangelical church. I need to forgive myself

Maybe now is the time to repent to turn around to change the way we think. Maybe it is time to show radical love and non violence. Maybe it is time to move from the 12th century to the 21st.

With all of that said here are some books I have read recently

The Last Week by Borg and Crossan

Steve Chalke's book "The Lost message of Jesus

Who really killed jesus by John Dominic Crossan

hope

2009-01-18T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hope is in the air, it is palpable. If such a thing is possible. How does one touch hope... feel hope? What does hope look like?

In 1968 I was 14 and I watched in horror as Bobby Kennedy our hope for the future of the country was murdered after the California primary. Four years later I was 18 and going door to door for Senator McGovern, I knew he was going to win the election, my mother said that he wouldn't win but we should campaign anyway...but I knew he would win...the alternative was unthinkable...another four years of Nixon, surely the American public could see that he was a crook, surely they were at least as smart as me who had just a few months earlier graduated from Cottage Grove High School. Couldn't the people see what he was doing to this country? Couldn't they see every night on the evening news the body count from the 'conflict' in VietNam? Even as the poles on the east coast closed I clung to the hope that the American people would have as much sense as this 18 year old.

Every year I held out hope that the right person would win and every year I was disapointed. Jimmy Carter, whom I now respect won, but he was a Christian, one of those people who at that time I thought were lacking common sense. In 92 Clinton won and I was happy I have pictures of my then 1year old daughter in front of the TV with Bill Clinton's baby pictures on the screen. But hope? Maybe a little.

Even in 2000 and 2004 I held out hope that Bush would not win. He didn't really but no one seemed to care no one was willing to fight for what was right and for the rights of the American people. I wept as I watched my country and my religion hi-jacked.

Some call me cynical. I knew Bush knew about 9/11 before it happened, my family and friends thought I was nuts.

Yet this year as the election drew near I had hope. Hope for a future for this country. Hope that all the evil done in our name and in the name of my god would be made right. I have to admit that my first choice was Kucinich, but when Obama was the candidate I got behind him. I spoke with people who were so afraid that someone else would win, and I asked how is it possible that someone else could win surely the American people could see? The cynic bringing hope to the more positive people....

The day after the election I went shopping and there were more people in the stores than I had seen for a while. In Costo I ran across a hispanic family 2 teens a preteen and 2 parents. I understood very little of what they were talking about...but I saw the smiles and I heard the name Obama!

Am I looking to a person to fix the world? No, I am looking for a people who have hope, who can see that business as usual doesn't work. People who put their trust in their God and walk in the way of peace and justice. Who put their faith into action to quote Bono Get up off their knees. As a Christian I follow the way of Christ. I believe in the sermon on the mount.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the realm of heaven

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted,

Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.

So what does hope look like? Today it looks like the tears running down the faces of the people who sang One Love, American Pie, In the name of Love and America the Beautiful at the Lincoln Memorial. It looks like the people who have held out hope for so many years that our country would be returned to us. It looks like the face of the child who is not a white protestant male and realizes that they too can become president. Yes WE Can!!

Sky Nelson

2008-10-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

This was filmed locally by a young musician/activist. I thought he did a great job so wanted to pass it on.

Following God

2008-10-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the people I knew during my time as an associate pastor in a charismatic church.

People who were friends.

People I laughed with... cried with... worshiped with.

People who believe what they are told to believe, unable or unwilling to question authority. People who live in fear, even though they say "anything that is not of faith is sin".

Is fear faith?

Is worry faith?

Is looking to the government rather than God, faith?

I am angry with them....I don't understand them...I wonder what the F@^* is wrong with them...

And I remember..I laughed with them...cried with them.... worshiped with them.

What is it that made us go in seemingly opposite directions?

All of us following God....

Fr. Geoffrey Farrow

2008-10-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

I had posted something else on this but I came across Fr Geoff's Blog and thought I should just post the link to his blog rather than news interviews and comments from other folks blogs.

Please check this out he is an amazing man

Just click on the title to open the blog. I'm still getting used to adding links.

charismatic episcopalians

2008-09-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

So, one of the church growth methods taught was "Signs and Wonders" AKA the Christian Psychic Network. The experience was about as unpleasant as my life in the charismatic movement. And to make things worse the guy was about 10 years behind what is happening in those churches today.
The 'priest' spent a lot of time talking about kids being transformed by the Holy Spirit. I raised my kid in that crap until she was 12...She is 17. She doesn't want any part of it, neither do her friends who were raised in it. They are looking for contemplative worship and actually doing things for people without shoving the '4 spiritual laws' down their throats. Being Christ to those they meet and finding Christ in everyone.....What a concept.

next post...Sara Palin...the sweetheart of the religious right.

long time no post

2008-09-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend I went to an Evangelism Conference hosted by an Episcopal Church. OMG I thought I was back in the charismatic church. So the music was 'cringeworthy' smarmy praise stuff. The worst being The Sanctus done to the tune of the theme song of the movie MASH. For those of you who don't remember the original words it went something like this.
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The Sword of time will peirce our skins
it doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger watch it grin but
suicide is painless..........

Anyone else have a problem with this?
more to follow

OMG

2008-08-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

Okay I really don't care what other people believe as long as no one gets hurt. Todd Bentley is acting like a thug. I think the legal definition of what he is doing is battery. At first I thought well there is implied consent but in settings like the one Bentley is in the people do not question gods 'anointed'

I work as a telephone triage nurse and if someone called me and said a preacher kicked them in the gut I would file a police report.

Not much shocks me anymore...this does

found this on Mad priest's site

2008-08-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Mad Priest is my blogging hero....
I found this on his sight and thought it worth passing on.
The last paragraph troubles me though.

“What’s most tragic about this cycle, though, is the fact that there’s always a constituency for guys like this. I fear that it’s more than just P.T. Barnum’s famous old maxim about the gullibility of the American public. I fear that there’s something missing in our churches that drives even some of our people to charlatans. Might there be less of a demand for these traveling health-and-wealth revivalists if our churches spent more time on our knees in prayer for sick and hurting people?”

Perhaps it isn't was is missing from our churches perhaps it is the fact that critical thinking isn't taught much in schools in the US. I mean look at who "we" have for a president. Yes there are some teachers who still teach critical thinking, but being underpaid and lacking supplies some are just hanging on afraid to buck the system.

Perhaps it is because so many Americans lack health insurance, or aren't covered for so called pre existing conditions I read in the NY Times that the US ranks last in preventable deaths in industrialized nations.
So maybe we might get off our knees and work to improve education and health care.

I will stop now.

WTF

2008-08-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

"Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century," George W Bush
to quote Cartman in south park
f@@k f#*kity f&&k f--k

a joke about walking on water

2008-08-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

A church called it's first female Priest, something which the two male members of the vestry were dead set against. These two men enjoyed an annual fishing trip that traditionally the Priest always attended. These two didn't really want to ask her but did "knowing" that she would decline after all women don't fish. Well she accepts and goes with the group. When they have gone a ways from the shore the realize they have forgotten the bait. The Priest jumps up says she will get it, steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the shore-as if it is nothing. "I told everyone it was a mistake to call a woman", said one of the vestry men, "she can't even swim....."

okay it's old but I always liked it

God save me from your people

2008-08-10T13:24:00.001-07:00

I haven't blogged for a really long time 8 months...I figure no one reads this anyway...

But I found on another blog the following You-tube video and it made me crazy. . So this guy (Todd Bentley) does all of this "christian psychic network" crap but if a psychic showed up at his meeting you better believe he would be "casting the demon of divination" out of them. I am not being critical of his beliefs I mean you can believe whatever you want. What I am being critical of is the hypocrisy. I am tired of the lying and manipulation done in the name of Christ.

uncommon music for this sunday's Revised Common Lectionary readings

2007-08-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

If I had a hammer
The times they are a changin'
Mind Games by John Lennon
Fire and Rain
Everyday People

wwjd

2007-08-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

This kind of stuff really happens.
Makes me want to cry
I use Safari browser on my mac which doesn't support the hyperlink function soo just click on the title

this was fun

2007-07-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

I found this at the blog: "Enough About Me: An Autobiography" It is a blog I just discovered and find delightful
sorry this isn't a hyperlink I'm still learning

2007-07-29T22:35:00.001-07:00

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

songs for the previous post

2007-07-29T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was going to include something in the previous post written by the Venerable Bede. Thought of the Venerable Mick instead.

Here are some songs that might go with this lesson

You Can't Always Get What You Want The Stones

Knockin' on Heaven's Door Bob Dylan

Signs Five man electrical band (you remember "Signs, signs everywhere signs blocking out the scenery breakin' my mind. Do this don't do that, can you read the signs")

A friend and I led evening prayer at the local church tonight There were some of the more traditional people there so we couldn't use these.

Our closing song however was...............are you ready

Zip-a-dee- do- da

posting

2007-07-29T22:17:00.001-07:00

it is time for me to stop comparing myself with everyone else and just blog. I always feel less than
Here is what I wrote based on todays lectionary readings. Not perfect but who the hell is anyway?

Lectionary readings Proper 12 Pent. +9

Genesis 18:20-32

Psalm 138

Colossians 2-6-15 (16-19)

Luke 11:1-13

With just a cursory glance, today’s scripture readings seem simple enough, The theme seems to be to persevere in prayer. We have the Genesis passage which has the dialog between God and Abraham. Abraham is bargaining with God, but stops short of saying “if there were one righteous”. I always wondered why he stopped. The gospel reading is Luke’s version of the prayer that Jesus taught. Included in the passage is the parable of the midnight visitor, and “Ask, Seek, Knock”. In the middle however is a portion of Colossians that suggests we should use our minds to understand what we are being taught.

The author of Colossians encourages us to live our lives in Christ, to be rooted and built up in intimacy with God through Christ. As I was reading verse 8 I was struck by the idea that it is important to use reason as we look at scriptures. “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit, …and not according to Christ.”
How easy it is to sit passively and allow others to tell us what the scriptures mean. Paul seems to be saying; "hey folks, wake up use your mind, reason this stuff out. Does what you are hearing from some people really gel with what Jesus said?" Later in the passage it says that Jesus disarmed the “rulers and authorities.” I always assumed this meant demonic influence, I wonder, though, could this be referring to the people who are spouting their own interpretation of the bible as if it has been downloaded from god? With this in mind I am looking at the other readings assigned for today.

I think it is important to point out that, although many of us have been taught that this sin that had God so mad at Sodom and Gomorrah was homosexuality, in reality it was about the lack of hospitality, the downright cruelty to the poor, preying on the weak and vulnerable and same sex rape as a way of degrading people. Perhaps God’s wrath was the only way to explain an earthquake, a flood or even an airplane crashing into a building. I remember hearing people say after the tidal wave, hurricane Katrina and 9/11 that God was punishing the people for something. Some of the “grievous sins” mentioned were not worshiping the right god, homosexuality, and abortion. Unfortunately, many believe that explanation and many are turned off to Christ because of that attitude.

Did Abe bargain with God? I don’t know. Did God destroy thousands of people? I don’t think so. Through the teachings of Jesus I see God as all loving, merciful, on the side of the lost and the least. I don’t see God as a thug.

On to Luke, there was a time when I could give you a quick and easy interpretation of this reading based on all I had been taught. Things aren’t so simple any more. When I look at Luke’s version of the prayer that Jesus taught I am struck my its simplicity. I liked the way it is written in The Message Bible:
When you pray say “Father/Mother, reveal who you are
Keep us alive with 3 square meals, keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others, keep us safe from ourselves

I wasn’t aware that there could be another interpretation of hallowed be your name, I really thought it had to mean that we must always say how holy God is whatever that means. However, because of the tense of the verb some believe it can mean “reveal yourself to us so we can know you better”. As I look at this prayer I see that living in God’s realm provides us sustenance, freedom, safety and strength. We can look at it as a petition, or as statements of what God does for us.

As I reflect on the midnight visitor I realize the first man had enough bread for the day but not enough for unexpected guests. The neighbor had some extra that could be shared. To not give the extra bread would be an embarrassment in a culture that is hospitality oriented. I don’t think this has so much to do with persistent knocking begging and nagging but rather is a picture of God not refusing to give what we need.

There are people who take the “ask, seek knock” passage out of context and use it for all sorts of things. It is often the basis for the “name it and claim it” theology, as well as the secular “The Secret” and “The law of attraction”. This teaching says that if we don’t get what we want, then it is our fault. So if we are laid off from our job, lose a child, our house burns down or we never get a Mercedes Benz we didn’t pray hard enough or long enough. We blame ourselves and others blame us with statements like “you spent too much time worrying about your child’s health, that’s why she is ill”. This kind of thinking doesn’t do much to endear God to me in fact it drives me away.

Prayer is about our relationship to God’s presence in our lives, talking to God, sharing our thoughts, hopes and dreams. As we dwell in God (and?) are rooted in Christ there is an awareness of the divine and the ability to see God’s vision for us. Let us be bold in prayer, knowing that God is able to transform us, and in that transformation let us pray that we can work with God to heal the world.

Declaration of Independence

2007-07-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

Only a few days late in posting this. It is something I was "forced" to memorize when I was in High School. The words came flooding back to me as I was driving home from work listening to the Thom Hartman show and wondering how Bush could have given scooter a get out of jail free card.

IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences
For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

south park?

2007-05-27T22:29:00.001-07:00

could not resist twisted soul that I am

You scored as Stan Marsh, You're Stan Marsh! Probably the sanest of the group, you're the mastermind behind the good plans and can easily resolve problems. To you love is amazing, and you're probably already in it. You can be a smart ass and don't have a problem saying what's on your mind. And you're probably an activist. Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

Stan Marsh

100%

Eric Cartman

67%

Jimmy

67%

Butters

67%

Tweak

58%

Kyle Broflovski

58%

Kenny McCormick

42%

Timmy

33%

Shelly

What South Park Character Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

wedding

2007-05-27T14:25:00.000-07:00

I officiated at a wedding on Friday! I've been ordained since 1999, and this is the first wedding I have done. It was rather cool, I almost started crying myself while reading from first Corinthians. Putting the brief service together and then reading the words caused me to reflect on my own less than perfect behavior in my marriage.

Anyway, after all these years doing church work I actually feel like a real pastor. How weird is that?

Meditation

2007-05-16T20:34:00.000-07:00

John 1:1, 14 NRSV

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. .... 14 And the Word became flesh and lived among us,

I have read this many times over the years, now I see it in a different light.
Grace and peace to all

worship

2007-04-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

I found this on Dave Walker's cartoon blog. It is a good visual of where I have been and where I am now.

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

violence

2007-04-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Violence begets violence, I am extremely saddened by todays violence in Virginia. I pray for all touched by this savage act.

I say the following not to be casual about the murder of anyone, but to be serious about all murder

Today I read a blurb about Bush's "outrage" at the violence on the Virginia Tech Campus....
In my mailbox was a piece about 57 people slaughtered in Iraq on Saturday!! Where is the outrage about that? A life is a life Mr. Bush You are responsible for all of the deaths in Iraq, and I have to wonder does your cavalier approach to violence somehow allow this kind of thing to happen.......

Resurection cats and friends

2007-04-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

Alleluia Christ is risen!!!

I am grateful for the resurrection, for the hope that it brings. When every place I look is dark and all seems lost, in the resurrection there is hope.

Is it a fact? Did it happen exactly as we have been told? I don't know. Is it truth? Yes!

Today my friend Michelle's cat Trouvee, started eating. Trouvee was ill and unable to eat, Michelle has been tube feeding her for weeks, today she ate.

Today I heard about a young woman, a teenager, who wrote a book for children about the disparity between the haves and the have nots.

Today a friend who has MS and was severely anemic was released from the hospital, her strength renewed.

It has been a difficult holy week for me, in the past it was business as usual teach people about the atonement how lucky we are blah blah blah.....This year it was real, I wept, I yelled and shared in the suffering of Christ, which is what I prayed for. Silly me...god always answers

Christ is risen indeed! Alleluia Alleluia

Greetings

2007-04-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

After ranting on the atonement let me introduce myself..... I am a mother a nurse and a pastor. After many years in the charismatic/evangelical tradition I made the break. My reasons for leaving are many including but not limited to: the religious right, peace and social justice.
I am a member of The Lindisfarne Community a new monastic community based in Ithaca New York, we are a community in the "broadly Anglican Celtic tradition" to quote our Bishop Abbot Andy. I was ordained a priest 2 years ago. My life consists of trying to balance work rest prayer and study.... I struggle to be the same all week as I am on sunday right now that just isn't happening. Or maybe it is, I've been grouchy to everyone all week.....So I'm human

Currently I am studying ethics through the Lindisfarne School of Theology. I live in California so we have class via IM and iChat.

I'm reading "The Last Week" by John Dominic Crossan and Marcus Borg.

I am listening to protest music on my ipod

my rant on the atonement

2007-04-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with the holy week scriptures and liturgies for the past several years. Up until 3 years ago everything I had been taught about Christ's death was vicarious atonement. God made rules (laws) that are impossible to keep. We have broken laws that are impossible to keep and we know we broke them cuz no one could keep them. Because we can't keep them then we shall be put to death because "the penalty for sin is death" God has to have a blood sacrifice because the law says so. Some one has to pay but it has to be someone who was perfect...so god thinks "hmmm.. maybe I'll kill my son to satisfy my legal need for blood." Now that Jesus is dead, God isn't mad at us for not doing what we can't do. So as long as we are grateful to god for his mercy we can live with him forever....if we say the right prayer or are baptized with the right words.
Divine child abuse.....
Some say that it is silly to refer to substitutional atonement as child abuse, I disagree. When my now almost 16 year old daughter was young, there was a "Christian" program for raising children which was very popular in evangelical circles. It taught that the parents must be in charge from the beginning. Parents were told to feed their children only on a schedule, when the child cried and it wasn't time to feed the parent wasn't supposed to pick the child up or feed it. The premise was that because God turned his back on Jesus when he cried out on the cross we should turn away from our children when they cried. As the child began to eat table food they were hit if they played with the food and had their faces flicked if they didn't look strait ahead.

Is that the nature of our all-loving God? The father/mother who we love because she/he first loved us? The God that loves us and calls us children? Jesus said (my paraphrase) "would a father give his child a stone instead of bread?' Would a parent turn their back on on a child's suffering?

Many of the children whose parents subscribed to the Growing Kids God's way program developed failure to thrive. They didn't get enough to eat as infants, the parents didn't know how to respond to their child's cues. Babies with failure to thrive (ftt) don't gain the weight they should they are unable to consume enough calories. A baby's brain grows as much in the first year as it will grow the rest of the child's life, often there are long term developmental problems. How many christians do we know who have growth failure? How many could never connect with God? How many young adults walk away because of divine child abuse?

Is there an alternative? Can we conceive of a non violent transforming model of the atonement? Was Jesus death on the cross the ultimate act of non violent resistance? Walter Wink says that when Jesus said to turn the other cheek he was saying that he refused to be humiliated. In that culture one could only hit someone lower than ones self with the back of the hand to turn the cheek would mean the person would either have to break some of the ritual purity rules and hit him with the back of the left hand or hit him with his palm or fist something that would never be done to someone not their equal. There are many more examples from Wink and others but to many for this short email

Christ came to show us how to live how to break the cycle of violence. We are taught that Christ reveals God to us. Jesus taught us non violent resistance, Jesus came to set the captives free....So it doesn't work for me God would use the violence that Jesus taught against to bring us redemption.

Jesus was faithful even to death on the cross, a death perpetrated by humans (for you trekkies I guess God had a prime directive of non interference with lower life forms) Through his life and death we have a pattern for our lives, through his resurrection we have hope We know that shit happens but God is able to turn it around.

So back to failure to thrive or growth failure. I wonder how many people who have been in church exhibit the signs of growth failure.
Lack of interest in surroundings
irritability
inability to walk in the knowledge of God's love

I wonder if it would be different if we got rid of the language we use, language we may not even believe but use because we always have. I wonder what would happen if we responded to the cues people give us rather than a formula given by the church. I wonder if we got rid of divine child abuse, would people be able to receive the nurture that they need to grow.
I'm rambling I need to come to terms with the fact that I taught substitutional atonement for years when I was a pastor in the charismatic church and when I taught in the evangelical church I need to forgive myself

Maybe now is the time to repent to turn around to change the way we think. Maybe it is time to show radical love and non violence. Maybe it is time to move from the 12th century to the 21st.

With all of that said here are some books I have read recently

The Last Week by Borg and Crossan

Steve Chalke's book "The Lost message of Jesus

Who really killed jesus by John Dominic Crossan