The (insert name here) Church Welcomes Me

It has been about four and one half years since I first visited the church I am now leaving. I have to admit there were some huge red flags from the beginning. People were leaving, those remaining were anxious. The church felt "needy" , you know the feeling, like you walk in and huge vacuum is turned on and tries to suck you in.

The interim vicar was a newly ordained priest who was sent by the diocese to get things in order, after the departure of the much loved vicar. Her predecessor had been vicar of that church for 18 years but didn't always agree with the diocese, and didn't always keep quiet about it. The interim was only going to be there for 2 years. I told her that I was ordained by an independent charismatic group and was pursuing ordination through The Lindisfarne Community, which is a religious order with apostolic succession. I thought the poor woman was going to have a stroke, I was ready to call 911. I figured that she would be gone in a year so I didn't have anything to worry about.... Or did I?
She is still there as the priest-in-charge even though she told me that the interim could never be the priest in charge or vicar or rector.

I ended up getting involved as lector, then as youth leader, then as Eucharistic Minister and finally I was on the mission committee and fully assimilated into the Borg Collective... Oops I mean church.

I didn't agree with everything and I although I thought the vicar was a bit odd at times, I grew fond of her. I thought that I could make a difference which was, in retrospect, my biggest mistake. I wanted to help, and I lost myself in trying...

I became her scapegoat, the harder I tried the worse things got.

Rejection

There is something about being asked not to attend a church service that feels like the ultimate rejection. I knew that it was time to leave. I had made my decision a few days earlier while on retreat in upstate New York. I planned to do the 'jobs' I was scheduled to do during the month of June, ask to be taken off the rota for the summer and gradually fade into the sunset.

I wanted to tell the priest that she was being cruel by criticizing everything I did or said. I was a 'lay' volunteer in her church not only was she cruel but she had no right to criticize me, she wasn't my boss. I didn't need it anymore, my identity is not wrapped up in being a 'lay eucharistic minister' or the person who wrote the prayers, it was time to move on, to "shake the dust off my feet" as it was clear I wasn't wanted. But I didn't say anything because it didn't seem loving, it didn't seem like it would bring about justice, and nothing redemptive would come out of it. Fading into the sunset seemed to be the compassionate thing to do. The day after I got home, I received a voiced demanding a meeting. When I insisted she tell me why, and ask that she call me when I could answer the phone. The next day a voice mail asking me not to attend that coming sunday.

It didn't start recently. I should have listened to my gut feeling when I first started attending four and one half years ago, but I didn't. The story, which I want to tell for myself to get some closure, will take several more posts.

Leaving

I am reading Leaving Church, by Barbara Brown Taylor.


It is helping.

Let The Earth Bear Witness

No more wire hangers.....

I'm sad....After 5 years of attending a church I was told I shouldn't come to a service. I was told it was because the bishop would be there and that would be awkward. I guess I said something a year or so ago that offended the bishop. He never said anything to me about it, I don't even know what it was but if I am to believe the Priest in Charge he is the type of person who wouldn't ever want to be in the same room with me. (My words not hers). She was also angry because I "refused" to meet with her. I refused to meet on her terms, which was at a time convenient only to her and without knowing what she wanted. I have left the last 3 "meetings" with her in tears. I asked her to tell me what it was about and she refused. I asked her to call me when I could answer the phone and not when she knew I was at work and she refused. So she left a message on my voice mail saying "I am sorry to leave this on your voice mail but you leave me no choice" Oh my god reminds me of the movie Mommy Dearest.

I look at all of the hard work I did and realize that it was wasted all of it.

God Save me from your people

flu

I think people today lack common sense, at first I thought they were just stupid but that doesn't seem to be the case. People of all walks of life are in a frenzy about the H1N1 flu. WHO says it is a "Pandemic" but who can define pandemic? It means it is wide spread not that it will kill you. People react so strongly to the media that it is frightening. I listen to the reports on my way to work to prepare myself for what I will be dealing with and I can tell what radio station people were listening to by the questions they ask.

I've been working long days doing my best to reassure people It is wearing me down. i want to yell "what the F@#$ is your problem?" but I can't so I tell them that if they want to come in with their hay fever symptoms and expose themselves to swine flu that is fine with me but it would be best for them and their family since they aren't sick for them to stay home. I am tired I am frustrated.

I am looking forward to the weekend because we have some rain coming in maybe several inches which means that the media will be off "flu" and on "storm watch"

Mad priest has the best cartoon ever http://revjph.blogspot.com/2009/04/its-here.html

out of the mouths of babes and cartoons

"We should focus on what Jesus taught and not how he was killed"
Stan Marsh from Southpark