Paranoia

Paranoia strikes deep

Into your heart it will seep

Starts when your always afraid

Step out of line the man comes and takes you away

So where did I leave off? I'm having a friend check all of the emails I send this priest. Is it because I am getting paranoid? I know that I was tired of having my head messed with, it was a pretty sad state of affairs.

I had the sound system installed and I was planning on taking the next Sunday off because it was my birthday. I showed her how to use it during the week. I was very clear that I wasn't going to church that Sunday. Bright and early that Sunday my phone rang. "The sound system didn't work" What doesn't work? I ask. "I can't get my Ipod to play" she says. I ask, "Is the cord plugged all the way in?" yes. "Is your Ipod muted?" No.. so I get up after 5 hours of sleep drive over to the church and the cord is not plugged in and her ipod is muted!!! I couldn't even speak to her, I felt so disrespected, so unappreciated, and so fricking angry.

I met with her the following week to tell her that I was resigning from the mission committee. During that meeting she told me that she was told by an assistant to the bishop that the bishop said that I had written him a letter that he was offended by.....last year, She went on and said "oh and by the way we are losing our grant at the end of this year. Did you know that" Yes I was there 18 months ago when the church was given a 2 year non-renewable grant. I just couldn't believe that she would put those two things in the same breath.

I have difficulty believing that a bishop would hold onto anger about an email for a year and not say anything to me.

When I returned from retreat, I knew I was leaving the church. When she called me, I didn't really want to talk to her but did call her back, and told her she could email me or call me when I could answer the phone which was not while I was working. She called again while I was at work, I couldn't answer. At that point I sent her an email telling her that if she wanted to meet with me she had to tell me what it was about and I would consider it. She called me the next day when I couldn't answer the phone and told me that I couldn't come to church because the bishop would be there and it would be awkward. If the bishop is so immature that he can't face someone who wrote him an email questioning something, then maybe he should get another job.

the beginning of the end

In November of last year we had a heavy rainstorm that caused a lot of damage to the interior of the church. There was a leak because for years the maintenance of the roof was neglected. I was Junior Warden, so when I got the call about a leak I went over and found a waterfall coming down a redwood post. There was water everywhere, it was dripping into the sound system, the floor was drenched, and the drywall ceiling was soggy. It's a long story but I finally got the priest to agree to let me call the insurance company and get authorization for emergency roof repair and remediation that day instead of waiting until Monday. I took care of the immediate damage, met with an adjustor, got estimates from contractors, had the electrical system inspected as water had been dripping into an open socket on the floor. I also organized the repair work. Today the church is beautiful, the cracks in the walls and ceilings are repaired, the mold is gone from the bell tower area, and the interior has been painted for the first time in 19 years.

I guess it was in December that the priest started sniping at me. It started subtly with comments about things I had not done, or things I said that she found offensive. In January she invited me out to lunch, which was odd because in 4 years she had never spent any time with me outside of church things we were both at. At that lunch meeting I was told that I was angry and it was "spilling" I asked her what I did or said to make her think that and she said "you walked out the side door of the church the other day and slammed it." Yes I did go out of that door and yes because of the wind it slammed behind me, but I didn't slam the door and I wasn't angry I was going to get something from another building. It didn't happen during a service, people were setting up for a service and standing around talking. Her other complaint was that while I was installing a motion sensor light I told her husband that I didn't need his help and perhaps he might want to set up for the service that was going to start in 20 minutes. I told him that because he was trying to tell me how to install the light, I find it difficult to do something like that with someone distracting me. In addition to my anger I used the word obvious in an email which I guess is a violation of email etiquette, and I didn't use I statements.

The following month I made the mistake of replying to an email in which the Senior Warden was asking for opinions. In that email I wrote something that should have been an I statement but I was lazy and didn't proofread it before I sent it. Surprise, I was called to another meeting. At that meeting she shrieked at me telling me that I had hurt everyone by what I said. She did this in public, she screamed "you are a priest you should know better" Now I am a priest, in The Lindisfarne Community and not it the episcopal church, and she does not recognize me as a priest , I was taken aback.... I shut down, if I hadn't I would have thrown my very hot coffee in her face and screamed back at her.

I knew I was finished, but I had some tasks to do so I did them. I apologized to the people that I had offended and lo and behold 2 of the 4 contacted me and told me they were glad I said what I did, that someone needed to speak up. I started sending every email I sent to anyone in the church to a trusted friend because I was starting to wonder if I was being offensive. I needed feedback.

This is already too long. I will write more later.

The (insert name here) Church Welcomes Me

It has been about four and one half years since I first visited the church I am now leaving. I have to admit there were some huge red flags from the beginning. People were leaving, those remaining were anxious. The church felt "needy" , you know the feeling, like you walk in and huge vacuum is turned on and tries to suck you in.

The interim vicar was a newly ordained priest who was sent by the diocese to get things in order, after the departure of the much loved vicar. Her predecessor had been vicar of that church for 18 years but didn't always agree with the diocese, and didn't always keep quiet about it. The interim was only going to be there for 2 years. I told her that I was ordained by an independent charismatic group and was pursuing ordination through The Lindisfarne Community, which is a religious order with apostolic succession. I thought the poor woman was going to have a stroke, I was ready to call 911. I figured that she would be gone in a year so I didn't have anything to worry about.... Or did I?
She is still there as the priest-in-charge even though she told me that the interim could never be the priest in charge or vicar or rector.

I ended up getting involved as lector, then as youth leader, then as Eucharistic Minister and finally I was on the mission committee and fully assimilated into the Borg Collective... Oops I mean church.

I didn't agree with everything and I although I thought the vicar was a bit odd at times, I grew fond of her. I thought that I could make a difference which was, in retrospect, my biggest mistake. I wanted to help, and I lost myself in trying...

I became her scapegoat, the harder I tried the worse things got.

Rejection

There is something about being asked not to attend a church service that feels like the ultimate rejection. I knew that it was time to leave. I had made my decision a few days earlier while on retreat in upstate New York. I planned to do the 'jobs' I was scheduled to do during the month of June, ask to be taken off the rota for the summer and gradually fade into the sunset.

I wanted to tell the priest that she was being cruel by criticizing everything I did or said. I was a 'lay' volunteer in her church not only was she cruel but she had no right to criticize me, she wasn't my boss. I didn't need it anymore, my identity is not wrapped up in being a 'lay eucharistic minister' or the person who wrote the prayers, it was time to move on, to "shake the dust off my feet" as it was clear I wasn't wanted. But I didn't say anything because it didn't seem loving, it didn't seem like it would bring about justice, and nothing redemptive would come out of it. Fading into the sunset seemed to be the compassionate thing to do. The day after I got home, I received a voiced demanding a meeting. When I insisted she tell me why, and ask that she call me when I could answer the phone. The next day a voice mail asking me not to attend that coming sunday.

It didn't start recently. I should have listened to my gut feeling when I first started attending four and one half years ago, but I didn't. The story, which I want to tell for myself to get some closure, will take several more posts.

Leaving

I am reading Leaving Church, by Barbara Brown Taylor.


It is helping.

Let The Earth Bear Witness

No more wire hangers.....

I'm sad....After 5 years of attending a church I was told I shouldn't come to a service. I was told it was because the bishop would be there and that would be awkward. I guess I said something a year or so ago that offended the bishop. He never said anything to me about it, I don't even know what it was but if I am to believe the Priest in Charge he is the type of person who wouldn't ever want to be in the same room with me. (My words not hers). She was also angry because I "refused" to meet with her. I refused to meet on her terms, which was at a time convenient only to her and without knowing what she wanted. I have left the last 3 "meetings" with her in tears. I asked her to tell me what it was about and she refused. I asked her to call me when I could answer the phone and not when she knew I was at work and she refused. So she left a message on my voice mail saying "I am sorry to leave this on your voice mail but you leave me no choice" Oh my god reminds me of the movie Mommy Dearest.

I look at all of the hard work I did and realize that it was wasted all of it.

God Save me from your people